With Apologies to Jeff Foxworthy.

Photos by the author.

By Russell Neyman

I WAS PREPARING to cut a large piece of maple into blanks, and needed to gas up the chainsaw. Reaching for the can marked, “2-Stroke Fuel,” I stopped in mid-motion, laughing at what I saw. Stuck into the spout, where a missing plastic cap should have been, was a bottle stopper, complete with neoprene fitting, knurled edges, and beading.

Now, who but a woodturner would replace a gas can spout cap with a decorative wine stopper?!! It occurred to me that other woodturners often chuckled at the unique woodshop circumstances and habits we encounter, so I began to survey others, talking with buddies and the guys at the club. I frequently join in on discussions at a website, SawmillCreek.org, and it occurred to me they might get a kick out of this, too.

Recalling Jeff Foxworthy’s comedy routine, “You Know You’re a Redneck If You…,” I began discussions that quickly became quite popular on the website, drawing fifty-odd comments and thousands of viewers. So, with apologies to Foxworthy –and thanks to my friends at Sawmill Creek and at the woodworking club– here are some of the responses:

>>You know you’re a woodturner if….you clean your shop with a rake!

>>If your boogers look like MDF, that’s a good clue you spend plenty of time in front of the lathe.

>>And when there are more wood shavings than lint in the dryer filter, you’re a confirmed woodturner.

>>When there is thunder, lightening, and the electricity goes out, and you say, “Great news– a tree just fell and knocked down a power line and I’m going out to look for it,” everyone is convinced you’re a woodturner.

>>When you have a woodpile outside your shop and you don’t even have a fireplace, that’s when you know for sure.

>>You know you’re a woodturner when the rosewood handle of your awl is prettier than the gearshift knob on your neighbor’s classic car.

>>You realize you’re a woodturner when you’re willing to invest enormous amounts of money and travel great distances to attend “demos” and “symposiums”.

>>When you find yourself no longer able to draw a straight line and you realize that the term “board feet” has lost all meaning for you, you know you’re a woodturner.

>>You have begun to wonder why you bought that “tape measure” thing.

>>You actively seek out pieces of wood that you previously would have tossed in the fireplace. Or when you begin sorting through firewood looking for some unusual figure, then you know.

>>The word “piercing” no longer makes you think of women’s navels but of the oddly shaped holes in your “latest piece”.

>>If a “void” has become something to be desired, you’ve become a woodturner.

>>Every horizontal surface in the house is covered with your “pieces” (some stacked 3 or 4 deep), and your license plate is LV2TURN….

>>After two days at the water park in chlorinated water your kids tell you “Dad you still smell like Elm…”

>>When an exciting time is seeing how far your gouge can shoot streamers of wood….

>>–or when Wow is no longer an exclamation of surprise.

>>You realize that your friends are looking at you with a somewhat quizzical expression as you expound on the importance of “proportion”.

You know you’re a woodturner when…

>>You’re watching a movie like Avatar, see a computer-generated tree that’s half a mile high, and think “I wonder if i could get a chunk of that on my lathe…”

>>You know you are a woodturner if you have a hole in your elbow from forgetting to move the tailstock

>>When you go buy a chest deep freezer just to store green wood in or a microwave just to dry bowls.

>>If you are prone to quoting the adage, “it’s not thin enough” and the context has nothing to do with losing weight, you know you’re a woodturner.

>>When you tear out the bottom seam in your shop shirt pockets so they don’t fill up with shavings you’re absolutely a woodturner.

>>If you keep a tree trimming service in your speed dial you know you’re a woodturner. Come to think of it, if the tree service has your phone number in their speed dial, you’re really a woodturner.

>>You know you’re a woodturner when you drink your coffee with wood chips in it.

>>And you KNOW you’re a segmented bowl woodturner when you purchase your glue a gallon at a time!

>>If your wife snaps at you, “What!?? Another round thing?! We have enough round things in this house! The next #@&% round thing you bring in here had better have a diamond on it.”

>>You might be a woodturner if you spend four or five hundred dollars for a chainsaw with extra chains, oil, fuel, put them in a 30-thousand dollar truck, drive many miles to a storm-downed tree, cut off a few pieces of the log, drive back home, seal it, wait five or six months for it to dry, pull it down off the shelf and call it “free wood.”

>>If the cap to your gas can is a decorative piece of art, you’re definitely a woodturner.

And this one, which came up in my own shop this morning: There is ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT that you’re a woodturner if you’ve ever used a lathe to sharpen a pencil!

,

——————————

Originally published in the OPCAAW newsletter, CHATTERMARKS, in 2014.